My abusive ex told me that nobody else would ever want me because of my illness

I met my ex on the 26th of December 2008.

I remember waiting for him, sure he was going to be late. I thought I looked horrible, it was the first time I met someone online and I was so nervous I didn’t know what to think.

In he walked and my heart stopped, the butterflies started and when he smiled I thought I was going to faint. The most we did was hold hands and we had a really lovely time together. He text me that night calling me his girlfriend and I was over the moon. To me he seemed so nice and kind and one of the smartest people I’d met.

He’d always look after me through all of my belly pains, he was very comforting with my Crohn’s disease and handled it all incredibly well. But when I fell pregnant t it was like everything had changed.

We argued constantly because he wanted me to abort and I kept on explaining how hard it is for people with Crohn’s disease to get pregnant or even get to full term but he booked the appointment anyway.

I didn’t go, but right there and then I was given the choice out of him or my baby. I told him I would raise the child on my own as I have a very loving and supporting family and there was no way I’d give up what could potentially be the only chance I’d have to have a baby.

A few weeks down the line and he turns up begging for a chance to be a dad and obviously we all want a loving family for our child so I took him back. But he would constantly make digs, telling me that he had a son he’d tell him to only be with a girl who agrees with abortion so that he wouldn’t have to be in his dad’s position.

When our child came into the world it felt like everything would be okay then. He cried when the baby came and he really stepped up to the plate.

But then came the constant digs about me being fat – literally a week after giving birth what did he expect? Baring in mind I’d gone into an awful flare so I was being told off by the midwife that I was losing weight too quickly.

He later proposed and we wanted it to be cheap and quick as neither of us really believed in big weddings, so we booked it for valentines day.

He left us a few weeks before the wedding as he ‘couldn’t cope with being a dad’. Leaving me to cancel everything, I sold my engagement ring on eBay for a good price, sold my wedding dress and I was left devastated wondering how I was going to do it by myself.

I was having constant text messages every day reminding me how worthless I am, how I’m ugly, fat and how nobody would ever want someone as sick as I am.

About a year later he shows up at my door. I don’t know how many of you have seen ‘Love Actually’ but he turns up with these pieces of paper, asking me not to say anything, showing me the words which basically say how sorry he is and that he’d wrote a book on ‘101 pledges’ on how to be a better boyfriend.

I thought about it and I really wanted to give the whole family thing a try for the sake of our child. Things were great for a while, until the fat and ugly comments were made again.

I remember being sat in the bathroom crying whilst he stood outside telling me I may as well kill myself as nobody would miss me. He told me nobody cared about me and how the only person stupid enough to put up with me is him. He said I’d never find anyone else… so I had to deal with him.

During sex he’d either cover my face with his hand or do it from behind as I was too disgusting to look at.

Once a month he’d spend the weekend at another woman’s house and came back bragging about how hot she was and how amazing she was in bed.

I wasn’t me. I ended up being someone who looked like me and sounded like me but wow I look back now and think ‘why the hell didn’t I kick him out?’

In the end, he left me. I was in hospital, and our child had caught the chicken pox. He dumped our kid on my parents, took all of his stuff and left. Which was honestly the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

He hardly sees our child and whenever we argue about that I get the whole ‘I wanted you to have an abortion, you decided not to so it’s more your responsibility than mine’.

I still get text messages about how many dates he’s been on and how ‘great the sex was that night’.

But it doesn’t bother me anymore, because I know I hold the greatest gift ever and that’s being a full-time parent.

Author: onegirloneson

Single mum suffering with crohns disease, fibromyalgia, hypermobility syndrome, bile salt malabsorbtion and bipolar disorder. My son also has coeliacs disease.

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