Lost, empty and alone, though I’m stuck in a world surrounded by people

Lost, empty and alone, though I’m stuck in a world surrounded by people. 

The voices in my head tell me that I’m no good for this world, that I’m too good for this world, confused by a mix of emotions that I’ll never comprehend.

What I do know is that I don’t understand the world, that I don’t understand myself.

I feel everything all at once yet I feel nothing.

My head spins at a mile a minute while my body remains numb and lifeless.

I try to slow the spinning but as I do my body surges and suddenly I’m bleeding, blood pouring from my arms from cuts to spur adrenaline.

I cut to feel, to feel the surge of adrenaline that runs through my body each razor sharp slice.

I cut to stop my head from eating me alive from the inside out, and yet when the damage is done I’m left with a reminder of what I’ve become, who my mind has let me become.

I’m somebody I don’t want to be and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I want to die, I want to stop feeling, though I’m terrified of what lies ahead.

Because, what if feeling nothing at all is worse than feeling like this?

What if I’m shifted to a place of darkness and there’s nothing I can do but remain lifeless in the consequences?

Every day I feel differently. Sometimes, I can smile, though my smiles are false and you can see it in my emotionless eyes.

Sometimes, I cry, but I can’t explain the reason for my tears, for I struggle to find a reason myself.

I feel unbalanced, I can’t trust my decisions, my actions. I’m scared of myself.

But though I’m scared, the urge to hurt myself and to end my living never changes. In fact, it becomes stronger as the days go by.

And that’s what terrifies me most. That one day, it won’t just be the cutting. It won’t just be the pills.

It’ll be a final goodbye to everything, and I won’t look back.

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